Rebuilt me

I have my last appointment with the ear, nose, throat doctor this morning.  He’ll be checking the inside of my nose where I had my deviated septum repaired.  I think maybe I should go out and celebrate tonight.  The personal party would not be because I can now breathe so much better, even though I can, but rather because this marks the end of the list of items to fix on my husband’s behalf.  I won’t deny that completing the list has benefitted me, but I was never really bothered about many of them until he told me I should be.

It began with him telling me that I needed to lose weight and quit smoking or he would divorce me.  He said he made a lot of money and had lost weight himself in the last year, and he deserved someone who was more attractive than I was.  So, I quit smoking and lost 30 pounds.  Rather than be happy, though, he said he felt like a chump because it was so easy for me to quit smoking, but I didn’t until then.  It wasn’t easy to quit smoking, but I still did it because I valued our marriage.  I had quit smoking for a period of four years earlier in our marriage, but it was during that time-frame that he had the first affair that I know of- and it was with some one who smokes.  It wasn’t easy to lose the weight, either, and I did resent that, since he and I lost the same amount of weight, but I still found him to be attractive prior to the weight loss.  Later, he stated, “I never actually said you were unattractive.  I may have implied it.”  I, also, exercised and lifted weights to firm myself up.

Then, I had the sunspots on my hands lasered, since he said they weren’t attractive.  I’ve never had attractive hands or fingers.  My hands are rough, and my fingers are wide.  I admire his long, artistic fingers.  But my hands are very strong and have done many years of hard work.  They are capable hands that raised two children to adulthood and changed diapers, pushed a wheelchair, and connected feeding tubes for another child for twelve years.  They are hands that allowed me to plant my garden and become a master gardener, and they saw a lot of cleansers and sun exposure as a result of the gifts and demands of my life.  Maybe they’re strong hands because they’re unlovely.  Perhaps if I had beautiful hands they wouldn’t have had to work as hard.

The deviated septum repair was to address the snoring that he was angry about- and he was angry.  It was almost like he thought I snored to annoy him, and he told me most mornings that I had cost him sleep due to my snoring.  I don’t know whether that was really even true.  Sometimes, I suspected that he just said it to make me feel bad. Losing weight did reduce the frequency and loudness of snoring- for both of us, because he certainly snores, too.  But, it didn’t completely solve the problem for me.  I don’t know if I snore anymore now, almost three months following the surgery to repair my deviated septum, because he’s no longer here.

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