On Daydreams

kill billI daydream.  I should daydream more.  In these dreams, sometimes I’m a sort of Kill Bill uber fighter that everyone admires because, really, who wouldn’t want to be that badass?  Other dreams are more directional.  They might center around how I would like my life to look.  Sometimes, I’m even motivated enough by them to make a plan of action to try to achieve that life.  And occasionally, I do the hard work to follow the plan of action to completion.

Making New Year’s resolutions are often part of that plan.  Those are easy plans because I expect to make them.  I expect to sit down once a year and draw up an outline of things that I need to change to get to a daydream I have about myself.  Usually, I complete some but not all of those actions, and there have been multiple years where I’ve listed the same actions. Those actions reappear because they require more from me than I’m really willing to give, even though I recognize that they are the most important, hence their reappearance.

For about five years, I was a member of a website called 43Things.  On that website, the idea was that you listed up to 43 things that you wanted to accomplish.  These weren’t always bucket list kind of things but also included the mundane, like “Clean my garage”.  There were people who listed completely unrealistic things like, “Fly to the moon” and people who listed “Be a part of a threesome” as they tried to recruit you to actively make their goal come true.  But there were many more people who really took the time to think about their goals.  Some people made one or two entries that lived on in perpetuity for years in cyberland long after they had forgotten that they had made the lists (usually around New Year’s).  There were many other people who wrote regularly for years, like I did.  We formed a loose friendship, support group, and community.

I joined the site after I heard myself saying, “I’d like to [fill in the blank]” one too many times.  I realized that I would regret not actually having done these things at some point, and I was forgetting what they even were until the next time it occurred to me.  I accomplished a lot due to that site and my participation on it.  I completed “The Artist’s Way”, I painted an oil painting, I went out to see a live band, comedy routine, or sports event once a month, and I hiked a lot.  The site is now defunct.  Many of the people went on to rejoin another site, Popclogs, and I have a profile there.  I never really flushed it out, though, because I felt like I was becoming too goal oriented.  I needed to be more fluid and just live life for a while.

My dreams for myself are in flux now, as I decide and then make new decisions on who I want to be, where I want to be, and what I want to do following my divorce and move.  There’s still a lot I don’t know about what the post-divorce me likes, much less wants.  Even my decisions on what to buy at the grocery store or pull together for dinner are different.  I should daydream more.